The pressures on a new bride
Feb 6th, 2010 by shaila
I remember the first time I got married, I was seventeen. The pressures were immense. I had to wear a sari every day, I had to wear make-up to the max, and gold jewelery. My arms had to be full of bangles, or “God forbid”, what would people say, a “bride with no jewellery!”. My anxiety level would rise when my in-laws would be displeased, because I would say the wrong thing, or wear the wrong thing, or talk to the wrong person. There would be hungry people to feed, problems to solve, but no, I had to spend three hours a day making sure I had the right sari on, and the crazy bridal makeup done everyday. And everytime I did something “wrong”, I would hear blame put on my parents for raising me without the proper trainings of wearing a sari, or whatever. I could never please them.
I think of the pressures that some new brides still go through. How these little things still displease their in-laws, and how I feel so grateful that my new in-laws will never never expect me to fullfill these mundane so-called desires. I see new brides at parties, other weddings, shopping malls, and I stop and ask how their new family is, how they are, and tears of sadness would come to their eyes.
It is important, really important, for in-laws to step back from pressuring their daughter-in-laws with the ways that they themselves left behind in South Asia 40 years ago, and step up to the times. I don’t mean turn on the music and dance, I just mean loosen up, chill, give the girl a break. Let her feel like a part of the family, not a maid or a 24 hour model - for heaven’s sake.
Salaams - I can really relate to this, even though my case wasn’t that extreme alhamdulillah. Boy, was I glad to get out of there after two weeks and live on my own with my husband - in a different country - alhamdulillah. I always had the best intention before I got married, i.e. I wanted to get along with my in-laws and live “happily ever after.” Three and a half years later (alhamdulillah), my mother-in-law still tells me what to wear and expects me to act like a servant when we go on vacation and live with my in-laws for a few weeks. The daughters-in-law are in “competition” with one another, and my mother-in-law really wants to win this competition. Given my upbringing, there is no way I could ever “win”, and I surely have no desire to do so either. Trust me, it’s not a vacation for me. I sometimes wonder how my good intentions turned into this mess. But, it’s a two-way street. I can’t keep giving love and respect if I get none in return. These are not just the pressures on a “new” bride, but in many cases, they seem to continue beyond the newly married stage. Thanks for this, Shaila. It feels good to vent.